lust and pain

well, for all my new friends here is a little about me.

my name is courtney, twenty, reside in manhattan..but raised on the jersey shore. currently enrolled in college, double-majoring in political science and arabic, despite my nitch for fashion. i am a firm believer in karma, yet one could never tell by my actions. i'm always waiting for "something big" to happen in my life. i believe every morning i wake up is a new beginning. i am a heartbreaker. i love everything about ballet. i have been battling an eating disorder for the past five years. i've been diagonosed with several mental illnesses, yet still decide to self-medicate myself. on the outside, i look like a stuck up bitch..though i'm everything but. i love death metal and alternative music. i've had the crap beaten out of me in a mosh. i can drive manuel like it's my job. i'm obsessed with makeup and my scale. my friends range from star wars fanatics to playgirls to stoners to quaterbacks..and i love the diversity that they all bring to the table. i have a lemon tree that i take wonderful care of. my fashion sense matches my quirky personality. i snort when i laugh too hard. i still treat myself to bubble baths. i'm a complete mess, and i love it.


your typical brown eyed, brown haired girl.

confessions:
(post anonomously)

"you said it. i feel alive when i'm with you. the exact same way i define life. because when i'm with you i really don't care about all the things i think and all my beliefs. because in those moments when i'm with you, or even just looking into your eyes, i know that no matter how wrong everything may be, there will always be something right and absolutely stunning."

i'm taking those words with me. and leaving you behind.
your heart was never in the right place.
and that is apparent.
hope she's better than me.
i just know i'm better than this.
you killed what was left of me.
thank you.

we will have the cutest apartment.
with a chloe.
and a coffeemaker.
and a big bed.
and a million bedsheets.
and a window.
and clothes all over our floor.
and cds scattered across the room.
and it will be perfect.

i'm so in love with you.
i'm so in love with us.

i wish that i could claim these words as my own, but they've come from someone that understands this world far better than i could ever imagine. in a time of disposable love and faith based upon circumstance, a time where we'd rather watch someone else's life broadcast on our television than take part in our own triumphs & tragedies, a time where i know that i'm not the only one that has a need that no prescription or product can even begin to fulfill. i'll never claim to have any of the answers, only the same questions as everyone else. take joy in being ignorant with me, for ignorance is bliss. i was once told that what seperates intelligence and genius is realizing how little you really know & what seperates faith and blindness is a thing called hope.