i wish no one in my place. ([info]hollowlungs) wrote,
@ 2008-03-17 14:11:00
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final.
"you said it. i feel alive when i'm with you. the exact same way i define life. because when i'm with you i really don't care about all the things i think and all my beliefs. because in those moments when i'm with you, or even just looking into your eyes, i know that no matter how wrong everything may be, there will always be something right and absolutely stunning."

i'm taking those words with me. and leaving you behind.
your heart was never in the right place.
and that is apparent.
hope she's better than me.
i just know i'm better than this.
you killed what was left of me.
thank you.

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[info]penelopemadrid
2008-03-17 06:53 pm UTC (link)
Oh, baby...

*hugs*

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 06:54 pm UTC (link)
:(
thanks.

ps. i hope all went well with the surgery, i know i haven't spoken to you much since it happened.<3

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[info]penelopemadrid
2008-03-17 07:01 pm UTC (link)
It did went well, thank you. I'm doing great.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 07:02 pm UTC (link)
so happy to hear that dear.

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[info]_closingtime_
2008-03-17 07:33 pm UTC (link)
what the fuck?

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 07:50 pm UTC (link)
yeah.
what the fuck.

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[info]_closingtime_
2008-03-18 03:37 am UTC (link)
there are so many things i want to say. but there's no point in typing them because i've either already said it to you and i guess you just weren't listening or didn't take it to heartm or you already know.

you say you knew this was going to happen. maybe because you make it happen. thats one thing i absolutely know about you. you'll make what you think, happen. because i do the same. you once told me you knew why i could never settle down. you said it was because i needed to be "kept on the edge". maybe you were right. maybe you were wrong. but really, this isn't about me at all. nothing in this entry was about me at all. not in the least. i thought you knew me better than this courtney. i still want to believe you do. but you just never believed in me. you never gave me the chance. you like to push me over the edge. maybe i didn't deserve a chance. i know i'm not a great person. but never ever question my heart again. seriously, that is fucked up that you could say everything you've said, and then say this. even i'm not that selfish. and i'm a self-centered egotistical asshole to the world apparently.

"you killed what was left of me"
even if you choose to believe whatever the fuck you're thinking, this didn't kill you, i didn't kill you. you're killing yourself. i gave you life. and you know that.
i still love you. i don't lie. and i don't cheat. fuck you if you ever doubted me.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-18 11:05 am UTC (link)
trust me. i was listening. but your actions and words are telling me something different. and i'm better than this, honestly. i'm fucking better.

i did not make this happen. wow. you knew i wanted this so badly. and i put every effort and feeling into this to make it work. and i obviously failed. i can't make something work for us, if you don;t want it to. and i know you say you do..but seriously, how are you trying to fool? if you say the shit you say online to people..don't even want to imagine what you are doing when you go out..honestly. amazes me. this is fucked up for me to say any of this. it's the fucking truth. and i can fucking question your heart, when it invovles me and my heart.

no kc. you did kill what was left of me. becaise i put it all in you like a fucking love striken idiot. i gave you everything. and yet you did give me life, death is inevitable. and you should know that as well. i never accused you of cheating. or lying. i've only accused you of what i've seen, and what i've read. and god was that enough.
i love you. you will probably never understand that. i love you so much. and that will never change. i promise.

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[info]_closingtime_
2008-03-18 01:38 pm UTC (link)
wow courtney. you keep saying you love me, but still, after everything, you don't even know me. you really don't. and don't say you do. you think your better than this. better than what? than reading some shit online and letting it play out in your mind and then letting it manifest into something you choose to believe rather than me. that's awesome. my actions and words are telling you something different. i think you better learn how to read actions and words then because you're completely wrong. but then again, you won't believe me, so i guess this is useless.

and yes, you did make this happen. and no, i don't know that you wanted this so badly. you want love so badly. you want your vision. you're dream. i know what that is. i see it too. but since it just hasn't been there for the past week or so, you're flipping out and you need to find it somewhere else. i know. i know you. you obviously did not put every effort or feeling into this at all. that almost makes me laugh. i would if i wasn't so dead right now. don't talk to me about effort. i gave you every chance. day after day. i told you i'd do anything to be with you. i'd drive down there. run tolls. get my ass kicked by my mom. get into so much trouble. i told you i'd do whatever it takes you bring you here. pay for your train. give you money. even drive down there to pick you up. and drive you back. but no. you'd turn me down. but that's okay. you never gave me a chance at all. and you know this. you say you can't make something work for us if i don't want it to. come on, i thought you knew me better than that. if you don't even know what i want, how could you know who i am?
and courtney, i don't go out. i don't have friends. or a life. so don't accuse me of anything. that's bullshit.

you are accusing me of things. don't try to twist your words around. i'm not stupid. and, you're not dead, so don't say i've killed you. you'll probably go to some other guy and try to make him into your dream. but he won't see the same thing and it just won't work out. what you see and what you read are things you shouldn't just let your mind race off with. if you are thinking something fucking talk to me. ask me. be like bitch what are you talking about here. two people in a relationship talk. i shouldn't have to fucking hear about your problems on live journal. even though that is where we met. you put all your effort into this relationship, huh? you don't even talk to me.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-18 01:46 pm UTC (link)
i love you.
and i'm sorry.
i guess i was just taking the easy way out, because my biggest fear is you hurting me in the end. so instead i decided to create my own mess and hurt myself.
you are right.


and i just don't want love so badly.
i wanted love from someone who loves me just as much.
you were always part of my vision.
always.

you are wrong about a lot of things in this comment, but i understand. i should have never opened my mouth because now i regret it.

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[info]_closingtime_
2008-03-18 06:51 pm UTC (link)
you're lying to me. and to yourself.

what was i wrong about.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-18 06:52 pm UTC (link)
your accusing me of lying?

fine.
then i have nothing left to say.

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[info]_closingtime_
2008-03-18 06:55 pm UTC (link)
you never said anything in the first place.

tell me what you think i was wrong about?

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[info]pkoffler711
2008-03-17 09:00 pm UTC (link)
I'm sorry =(

I thought everything was gonna turn out ok between you two.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 09:01 pm UTC (link)
thanks..
it never really does in the end.
but it's fine.

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[info]pkoffler711
2008-03-17 09:08 pm UTC (link)
Oh i'm sure a girl like you will have no trouble finding another special someone.

But it's times like these that really define the kind of person you are, so don't give up.

Lame, I know, but it's true

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 09:10 pm UTC (link)
haha you'd be surprised.
i'm a bit too eccentric.
nevertheless, i love the person i have grown to be, and you are right, these are the times that do define one.
so thank you. :)

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[info]sexcursion
2008-03-17 09:09 pm UTC (link)
Never settle for less than you deserve. never.

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 09:11 pm UTC (link)
best words of advice.
and of course they'd be from you.<3

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[info]sexcursion
2008-03-17 09:11 pm UTC (link)
if only i could learn how to follow them

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[info]hollowlungs
2008-03-17 09:12 pm UTC (link)
that is always the hardest part.
you may be able to give the best advice to anyone, but usually can never follow it yourself.
i know i never can.

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[info]sexcursion
2008-03-17 09:45 pm UTC (link)
well. we can learn together.

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(Anonymous)
2008-03-17 09:46 pm UTC (link)
yes.

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[info]cute_til_death
2009-08-20 05:49 pm UTC (link)
thats beautiful. but life isnt about finding yourself; its about creating yourself. there will always be someone that loves you in your life. :)

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[info]hollowlungs
2009-08-20 07:22 pm UTC (link)
that is great advice..thank you so much.

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